last restart?

hello anyone still reading/ writing blogs? or has the new age truly dawned upon us?

been some time. know not how long. strayed out of time.there is nothingness. every where. and the small pleasures of the lesser known things. and am oscillating in between. where have all the people and time gone? how did this ever come to this? why is that life chooses to live on? i always used to think that people figured something out later in the life, that they live on. but now i cant see it. does that mean everyone's just alive and dead? i guess all this might seem stupid, to think of. but the question is always there. insignificance and uselessness i can accept. just not the permanent nature of it.

its maddening when you are suddenly awake after 20 years. cant i just sleep blissfully? you can always point to more desperate and empty lives. compare and feel good. but even that is of no comfort to me. i need something precious. for the first time there is a need. before i could just live on. not any more. you can always stray a little from the path, but keep the destination in mind. or you could stay on the path and pass the destination, keep walking further. but what if you stray and everything is blank?

you know whats maddening? no, not the state of life. but something which just does not let me end my life. i mean simply- i see no point. then ending life should be the logical answer. but i just cant. the last 2 years have been pretty much hazy. i can not re-collect a single incident from the last 2 years! 6 months into the new year and i still write 2011 every where. i dont know the date. i have been home for 7 days in the last 2 years. no person i can remember. honestly, i can remember what i did my last birthday. i cant take this no more. i have tried to hang on to each and everything i can, making it the last straw of life. to hold on. i know it will seem rich, when you have a job that pays for the food and roof. when you can fly home. there are people with no roof. no land. maybe its that sense of survival which is driving them on. i guess survival is default state now.

few years before i would have laughed at a person who would said such things. people scoff when rich footballers moan about something. but how can humanity be valued? how can any object change humanity? that which eggs all life on, without much purpose. its a very difficult task indeed. every day i wake up. and then i sleep. there was once an empty carefree jolly good life. now the simplest of things irritate. every person irritates. how do people ever work them selves out and live on?

when i was in college i used to presume that people eventually figure out something, somehow live on for something. now i see its was utter foolishness. what now? how do you people just wake up, dress up, work and sleep? is it the intricate struggles in between which keeps you going? a bloody knuckle later, it feels as blank as the first sleep.

where is the free gone?

free

does duality imply a cycle? duality just seems to say that a positive and negative do exist, they are equal and hence shall eventually meet. it does not say what will happen. but cycle means that they may either co-exist equally or super-exist over samples of time. now i dont expect us humans to sit and think consistently what the fuck am i doing here? some are so held over that they dont even stop to consider that such a question might need answers sooner or later? am i free? i mean not as a human. but as an animal am i free? can i walk when ever, to where ever i want? without any askings or tellings? can i just close my eyes and sleep when i want to? can i learn when i want to and waste away when i want to? it seems the answer is yes for most of these basic questions. if i wanted to sleep at 11 in the office, i can. microscopically, yes. but i were to do it for the heck of doing it again and again attempt it, do you expect the same result? all i mean is to do something when i just wanted to do. not do something over and over again to prove that some other thing can be done?

so i do not think about freedom as such often. but collectively, as a society is that what we will eventually ask? it seems inevitable. a society has to go through every emotion atleast once. so i say a revolution will come. they do take time. but they do come. and when it does come, what will govern our freedom? still rules set by another human? a human who sat in a dingy lit room in delhi and imagined what all a human should be allowed to do, say if his life was taken away? how can he feel revenge and emotions? is the present law not too bland? by stating that there has to be a universal law of morality, we our covering the cracks. can we still not accept that another human need not think the same? yes, when we started out we started confining for primal stuff, food..shelter..security.. but now the world is crowded, if you are not accepted here you can move on. why now are we still sedated? why is that we are still largely rooted? i am not talking about continents. i am talking about a few hundred kilo meters.. dont worry, there is always enough time.

but what will happen say, when we start to come to the end of the beginning? am not talking of death and destruction. am talking of a restart as a race. as human. has the impact always to come from outside. i always get a feeling that we as a race are waiting for a jolt from the sky to wake up. till then petty squabbles. are entertainment enough. there is enough time for battling the stars.and when we do restart, will we restart as a society of all? can we ever forget everything we have ever learnt? there was once a time man lived alone. in high warm areas. and low cold areas. and then he began to settle down. and now he doesnt want to move. but he will have to move. and will have to move on for ever. before he can settle down again. freedom awaits then.

the phython

moving to a big city from a small town is always a big ask. especially for a 9 year old. the new school was nice. a small english convent. shady ground, mini zoo and not much of books. four houses. each after a saint. there was the brother who also co-incidentally the head master of the high school. and it was this brother who was opening a white envelope. with the bank logo on it. no not bribe. A's appa was too upright for that. instead it was a letter of recommendation. guilt free. and just free. there was A and A's younger brother. A was neatly combed and was in as gentlemanly way as a gentle man of 9 years could be. an indian gentle man you see. you could see a think long  dent on his forehead. and A's brother was doing his best to look as life less as he can. he was a sleepy boy. in that small town school he was happy. he used to sleep through classes. sleep at home. somehow pass as the last rank. always. amma did her best to look earnest.

the brother said something about high standards and to go and meet the head mistress. and A and little A were convent students. the 90's mylapore. the traffic free luz corner where you go to the bombay sweets for chaat. A's appa was posted north when A was born. and he loved eating. here ends the heaven part. then there was this joint family. and a she cousin who was one year younger but still managed to be in A's batch. and she had a younger brother, who was younger than little A. she cousin's little brother played mirdangam and A played mirdangam as well. A was already dead.

the school was wonderful. there was a small dog. there were three Pomeranian dogs. and one lazy long shorty dog. then there were geese. mongoose. and some birds. all was well. till the tamil teacher came into A's life. Rajalakshmi was a 64 year old tamil teacher. the other teacher in the tamil department was 65 and serving her last year. Rajalakshmi was from the usual orthodox mylapore aiyar setup. she had a doctorate in tamil. and also elephantiasis when she was just 39. she was now to teach A. she can not climb the stairs. so she teaches under a big banyan tree near the zoo. no boards. just words. she was strict. the bringer of death. once in every 3 months rajalakshmi will climb the 2 floors, to enter A's class. that meant exams. and she will dictate notes for all the lessons for one semester in one go. and she would go. she always took the last class of the day. but would not let the students bring the bag down. chinna vaisulaye somberithanam. the other teacher. she had passed her sslc. loved tamil. the tamil that was still spoken. she was an ardent periyar devotee. she had been jailed with him for protests. and she would ounce every strength to get through the first 20 minutes of the class by just reading from the book. and for the next 20 mins she will tell you stories. of struggles. of the atheist. of godlessness. and the bell would ring. and she never finished her syllabus.

A failed Ralakshmi's first exam. ooru was to be kootified. kummi was to be adichified. but A sssed.  there was a escape route offered. a role in the tamil club drama in the annual function. a sadhu role. A was happy. small A was cast as the sleeping tree in the kinder garden play. A's parent were thrilled. A and small A had not shown the paper of course. small A had failed all the subjects. so his class teacher put him in her play. thankfully they were mid-terms. do it in terminal and A knew he would bleed with blood. A's role required make up. which would cost a bit. but others dint need any such make up. A was given two lines. the play was for 5 minutes. A was thrilled. his father payed, or appai karandi only. A just aced through the play. small A had slept in the class when they were putting on the costumes. so instead of a sleeping tree which was to wake up after the fairy had won, there was nothing. and the play was called the sleeping tree. the fairy had just defeated the evil witch to free the tree from the spell. of course the nothing was not like the nothingness in human life. there was a really thin mass of bones and tissues trying to support a green jingu jakka costume and a thermocoal tree cut out. and the tree promptly fell down when the fair was just introduced. and the head mistress proudly announced that a benefactor had donated the school a python. a fully grown big evil python. god's creation she said. children learn nature. it was all A needed. he would eat lunch near its cage. big empty cage with the majestic being curled in a sad mass. much like humanity it self. the only way A knew it was alive was when he saw it shed skin. he would stand near it till the assembly began.

one day Rajalakshmi cornered A. she had borrowed 2 rudraksha malai from the temple priest for the play. for the sadhu in A. and now rajnikanth wanted one of the rudraksha kottai for the arunachalam movie. A said he forgot to get them. Rajalakshmi became livid. A told her than he can go and get it after school. my house is next street only miss. world peace. A's house was far away. he ran like the runny nose. cousin;s first birthday. everyone at the hall opposite the family home. A got it and returned it to Rakalakshmi. she was fuming that he was 30 mins late. and the next day Rajalakshmi climbed upto A's class. A could not believe it. wasnt it just yesterday when the drama was. how could exams come so quickly. this time it was the terminals. funny coinage.

A went through the vishnu sasranamam a 100 times during the exam but wrote nothing other than his roll no and date. the mani aduchified. he could hear the sangu. it was announced there would be a PTO  and the terminal papers would be given. A thought about it. he asked for saravana bhavan dinner. he ran errands for his amma. he did sandhyavardhanam. the next day came the dragon. A had gone to the temple and had all the necessary facial patterns that would repeal away evil. the thin dent on his fore head was bleeding with blood. there was rajalakshmi sitting near the phython cage. she looked like she was just asked the direction to a saraku shop. A promptly put up the i am samathu, yennai kapathunga look. rajalakshmi dint say anything. then she asked A's amma- neenga ayengara? A looked up. amma nodded. rajakshmi reached down for A's paper.- yenaku theriyadhu. nan nenachen yedho north indian paiyannu. therinja andha rudrakshamum iyer makeupum poda solirunka matten. paiyan nalla pannirunkan. 90 marks. aduthu classuku promoted. A vowed to do sandhyavardhanam, thrice. daily. there was a god. just then there was a strange clattering noise. a crow had entered the pythons cage and was struggling to get out. the phython raised its sleepy head. it slowly climbed along the steel cage. a straight vertical slow climb. and in one sweeping move it had the crow between its jawless jaw. Rajalakshmi looked on, a blank face. amma was aghast. this definitely meant something,  she had to ask patti. A was thrilled. he went home and saw ninja roberts. and waited for cybtron. that was all he needed.

free

i got to go away

all that he had to do was leave. its simple. if one does not find true happiness and love one leaves. of course it is not simple enough. the very idea of love and happiness are vague and scoffed at. if you however do accept such ideas do exist, you need to start looking. thats work. then theres that comfort. of a warm bed. of nicely fried small potatos. the right amount of ghee and spices. a nice mashed up rice and sathumudhu. and you just eat it and curl up in that warm bed. this comes at a cost of course. the illusion of comfort. the glorious land of laziness. where its just easy to swim with the current. just go with the society.  but something tells you all this is not real. you know it is not real. acceptance is the first problem. remembering your acceptance is the second problem. the third problem is the solution to the first two problems of course.

but leave he should. left it all behind. leave for a place that may be some where else. just kept walking. just keep walking. eating from the bin. it is food none the less. eat all you can. forgot that wonderful rasam rice. just eat from the bin. eat to stay alive. eat all you can to stay alive. and keep walking. and keep seeing. there is no point in thinking. in learning. in understanding. in remembering. there is just no reason. they just dont seem to be worth it. you just dont feel like going through the whole civilization. of course this will seem to be a pure rebellion of the perception of life. there is no other way about it. its the way it is. its the reason why 1 was not 0.

he could stay of course. eat that rice. sleep that sleep. go with the society. without knowing why. whats the point of knowing? there is no point. there is no point in anything. in life. in death. there is nothing. but you are not troubled. yes one or twice that occasional pang of guilt. that you dreamed so much. that you are better than this. nope. dont overthink it. just go with it. where ever it is. you never know where. you can step out and get lost out there. or you could lock your self in  a room for 20 years and then find our you are lost again. you could sit and marvel at the fact that there is no one single thing which is absolute, singular.. and its that way all over the universe. like a obscure concept like force. which i feel all the time. which stars are supposed to feel as well. isnt force a bigger mystery than god?

so it comes down to 0 and 1. if he has to stay or go. you can not explain why it has come down to just 2 choices. and there is no reason to choose either of the numbers. you could never choose too. and let it just go. and then die. or you could choose. either way it doesnt matter. the ego in the brain seems to be bigger  than everything else, so it hurts to find out that you are as insignificant as it can be. but i guess you exist none the less. there is no answer. but i will read the problem again and again till the answer is either 0 or 1. like moisture. its either there or not. the same moisture which is the essence of life. without which we were not to be. but we are. i guess thats the ultimate question. why am i here. wherever i am. why am i there?

of course i have searched. within and without. i cant understand of course. but will have to keep looking i guess. till i see a 1 or 0. i somehow do not trust other humans to solve this for me. they might solve it for themselves. but not for me. buddha cant do it. if love was what he preached..well can you preach that? isnt it something natural and what keeps us alive. so how can love be preached? may be it was an old tale that is a religion and a man. maybe he was just another man.

i guess the very essence of it all is to keep looking. not knowing if there is an answer at all. keep searching. till the day the answer is 1 or 0. and then you can jump around and shout that you found it. found the answer. and then die.

free

paper

a long thin line. no stops. no turns. no corners. just straight. with no end in sight. no other line in sight. a dot or the edge of the sheet should do the trick